Where I Want To Go

Last summer, I stood on Dun Laoghaire pier with my life long best friend Katie. She had come to visit during my last week in Ireland. The Irish flag was billowing over us. The smell of salt in the air, 99s from Teddys were in our hands. I didn't want to leave.

"I feel like I'm finally living the life I've always dreamed about," I admitted, "I don't want to go back. I just want to stay here."

"Then don't," Katie encouraged, "Find a way to get back to Ireland. Don't think of it as leaving. Think of it as visiting America before coming back to live here."

Katie's words stayed in my mind for a long time after that. They stayed in my mind as I headed back to America, to Notre Dame, to classes, papers, and exams. They stayed in my mind as I filled out applications for graduate programs in teaching on the state side, trying to ignore the desire I had for more adventures abroad. They stayed in my head as I decided to throw in two wildcard applications- one to teach in France, one to do House of Brigid in Ireland.

At an interview, I was asked, "We see you've also applied for programs abroad. Would you take those?"

"I don't know," I replied. It seemed a far away idea that I'd end up in Europe again. My parents definitely wanted me to pick a more stable option. After all, a graduate teaching program had my plan, my dream for so long. I couldn't imagine anything else- a life where I chose adventure, a life where I had the choice to do so. I comforted myself by telling myself I'd go back abroad once I had a masters, once I was more financially stable. A bit of me feared that if I kept putting my dreams off, they'd never happen.

It's hard to tell you how chaotic my Spring Break was. The first half of it was spent on choir tour, spending each day in a different city. I was filled with sickening anxiety as I awaited emails notifying me of my status for the programs I applied to, in particular the ACE program that I'd dreamt of doing for so long.

The only solace in this week was my favorite musician, Roo Panes, had just released a new album. For the last year I've been obsessed with his music. His thoughtful lyrics and peaceful melody had helped me a lot in the past. On this album in particular, there was a song called "Where I Want To Go." The refrain was simply, "Your love takes me where I want to go." I listened to this song over and over the whole week. It became my mantra, my prayer. It reminded me that God had a plan for me. I wasn't alone in this. God knew my heart more deeply than I did and Gods love would lead me where I wanted to go.

So when I found myself wait listed for ACE and a few other programs, but a spot opened up for me in Ireland the next day, I saw God's hand in it so clearly. Ireland was the place I'd spent most of year dreaming about returning to. God's love had taken me where I wanted to go.

So here I am, six months later in Chicago O'Hare airport about to embark on the journey of a lifetime. Just this first week I'll be living in an abbey, singing with new friends, and exploring the Western side of the country. I'm not sure what comes next after that but I know I'm going where I want to go.